The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.
I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.
The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.
The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.
The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication.
The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother.
The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.
The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.
written by Meggie Royer, via: themindsjournal.com
Makes one think
very powerful
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem……….very well written article!
Very moving and heartbreaking.
Mind blowing
This gave me chills for the ultimate truth is that many who kill themselves do so in a moment of deep depression that would have lifted
For many I think, who go down this path and succeed they do not want to die but they just want their unbearable pain to stop. Sadly, death stops it.
Powerful!!
chills
Yes, gave me chills
<3
Beautiful and so sad
Catalina Araiza
that was terribly moving……and a good wake up call for those of us who sometimes entertain the idea of death before really thinking of the consequences or the good and the beauty and the love still there we would leave behind….hoping it might find us in the here after…but I think not. Our lessons are here…if we are here.
Text me
Never say that to yourself pray god
You just wasted your own life, suicide is not for your Shakespearean desperate attention gouging spoiled self, its for those that have lost it all in life and really are left with nothing to live, for those that lost a parent at a young age, and then the other at the time when they need them the most, when their own blood relatives don’t want nothing to do with you other than to beat you ***less, when you failed at life and you suddenly find yourself at 30 with no financial stability, no stable job, no friends, having to be running and hiding out of fear for your life, risk ending up homeless, been all alone, feeling unwanted, feeling as if your existence has already been wiped and you are just living by the once bold shadow you used to cast,…when you have nothing to loose….and nothing to live for.
You Stay… You Fight Another Day !!! You Gone… There Isn’t Anything Else Except Your Bag Of Bones !!! #YouStay#And#YouFight!!!
You are clearly missing the point here.
poignant
Powerful
Deep I tried to unkill myself..
Sad
This is sad. You are loved.
Are they sure they succeeded? I’m thinking they may still be overly medicated in the psych ward if they are posting this and they did actually kill them self.
How can you say someone is going to hell,It is up to every human being to use the life that have been given to gain a good life to go forward to the next,to learn lessons along the way. If that person has to come back again and go through that life they had before,then they will. No one has the right to say they should go to hell. Shame on you ,you have a lot to learn in your lives.
This is a beautiful anti-suicide bit of prose. Please do not pollute it with your religious views.
That’s only your opinion and one day like all of us you will find out if your wrong .
Some of the comments on the actual post and on this post are truly shocking. Clearly people can’t see the actual meaning in the poem…. it is trying to say that sucide is not the answer and yes we all fall on hard times and depression is a dark place to be but there is beauty in the world. I hope this post can help people contemplating sucide you never know it might. Thank you the original poster for writing such an honest and deep piece
nothing bad but… just let go
Lydia jay watch the movie constantine and then tell me what you think if im right or wrong.
once you cross the point of no return you will realize you can’t find your way back no matter how hard you try
Hi,and thank you ,I will try and see the film. i have looked it up but cant get it on my PC. but will try again. I would like to say Sorry for saying Shame on you. No one should suffer shame for their beliefs ,Sometimes being on facebook you forget you are talking to a real human being , So i am sending you out GOOD vibes .
Mark Louie Macaso Cayanan
haven’t we all been there?
I tried last September. So glad I failed. My kids….. I just wanted to end my pain. But wanting to die and not wanting to live your life the way it is are two different things. I was saved. And I thank God everyday for it.
Heartbreaking
Thankyou for sharing that
Beatifuly written
Nothing is as bad as it seems. Just keep on living.
Oh, you are so wrong. Things can be bad and with no end, I know, I tried to do it too but was disrupted at the last minute. My problem couldn’t be solved, I just had to find a way to live with it.
People should stop breeding/replicating. Its so selfish and destructive. They should think before having children in an increasingly cancer-like society… a mind-controlled slave planet
The day after my father killed himself he realized that his neurological condition no longer held him prisoner. The cage door opened and he was able to soar. His eyes saw the beautiful vanilla skies of a Van Gogh painting. His ears heard the bird’s sonnets and symphonies. His skin became like goose flesh as the emotions he had missed for so many years flooded his spiritual aura and he felt the warmth of the sun on his face. He was at peace and joyous and traveled everywhere he desired to be as well as to everyone who thought of him … all at one time.
I suffer with depression / anxiety and have felt many times to just end it all . I now take St. John’s wort and that helps. . I do know the feeling of thinking I just can’t go on . But I read this today and copied it to my notes . I plan to read it again when I feel this way . I want to share it with you Rafael and whoever else I hope it helps . -“There’s going to be days when you just don’t want to be here anymore. You just stay. Somewhere out there, somebody needs your voice. I promise. I swear to God, your laughter is someone’s saving grace. Hold on tight, baby. The sun is coming for you.” ~ Erin Van Vuren”
sometimes the pain is so unbearable it blinded you to see the good things it can bring you. i am not perfect and just like you, struggled to fight with every pain. i just choose to fight it with a smile or a laugh. Feel it, nurture it..until such time that it no longer choose to dwell on you. Until such time that you are no longer fighting it and the pain will choose to let go.
I often wonder what happens after death by suicide tho. There could still be spiritual pain ?
However I firmly believe that God welcomes all into his Kingdom and that all sins/faults are wiped out in His Presence . People who commit suicide have a further choice immediately after death .
You are right Yvette. Sometimes the inner pain can be intolerable . I know that.
Sometimes sufferers will commit suicide without full knowledge. For them it is like having to jump,off a burning inferno tower block to escape ….
Rafael , don’t do it! The pain and aftershock affects those you leave behind….
And we don’t know what happens after suicide . Get help,
Religion can be good or bad I believe. But certainly spirituality has helped countless folks to chose Life rather than death!
Prayer can help give a person strength to keep going …..
I don’t believe people who suffer and commit suicide can go to hell ! God the author of life and death does not send people to hell. He is a God of mercy, kindness and compassion so why would God desire to further punish someone who is hurting so much ? That kind of thinking doesn’t add up.
If people weren’t hurting they wouldn’t want to die !
All this is tremendously symbolic! ‘Kill myself’ refer to the old dysfunctional self…that’s the reason after she killed herself she started falling in love with life…noticing the sun…etc
I’m glad you hung on – it gets better. <3