The universe can be a funny place sometimes. I’ve been doing a lot of research about a form of mental abuse that a lot of us are not only susceptible to but actually deal with every single day. It is one of those things that we don’t even realize is happening to us, we just see the results: self-doubt, diminished self-esteem, and reduced self-worth. The world has a way of beating even the best of us down from time to time but this specific form of manipulation is one that can be identified and removed from our day-to-day existence.
Planted Seeds of Doubt
Back in 1938, there was a play called “Gas Light” that was later adapted into a movie in 1944. In the story, a husband works diligently to convince his wife and their acquaintances that she is insane by making very small and subtle changes to their environment. When the wife would point out the changes, the husband convinced her that she was wrong about the changes and that she was crazy. Slowly but surely, the wife starts to give in to the self-doubt created by those subtle changes, namely a gas lamp that the husband keeps dimming, hence the term “gaslighting”.
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Our Perception is Our Reality
In the play, the key was the husband’s ability to alter the wife’s perception of reality. She saw the lamp as being dimmer and the husband assures her that it is not. He made he doubt her perception, and therefore her reality. It is a form of mental abuse that people too often don’t even realize what is happening to them. For the perpetrator, the ability to control the victim’s own perceptions of themselves and the things around them allows them to control the victim themselves.
In reality, it happens every single day. It’s all around us. How many advertisements do you see that claim that using their product will somehow enhance your life? That’s a mild form of gaslighting. You are made to think that some aspect of you or your life is incomplete. You are made to DOUBT yourself. Further, you are made to think that whatever product is being peddled is the solution to what is supposedly lacking in your life.
Gaslighting in our Lives
The specific situation that inspired this article involved one of the most beautiful and amazing women I have ever known dealing with a break up from a man that never deserved to be with her in the first place. I explained to her that there are people in our lives who will try to break us down to be on their level. So, what is the answer to gaslighting?
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Maintaining your own reality through your own perceptions.
I’ll tell you now, the same thing I told her:
You see, my friend, there are people in this world who will look at a unicorn and think to themselves, “Woah, that is a unicorn, which is something I will never be.” They will try to convince you, the unicorn, that you are just an average horse like them with a weird growth on your head that you should probably get checked out by some kind of medical professional that deals with head growths. They will try to steal your magic and make you as dull and ordinary as the plain, old horses that they are. Because they need you to be a plain, old horse like they are, just to bring you down to their level…
As we’ve established: you are not just a plain, old horse. You are not a fast racehorse. You aren’t even one of those fancy British horses that those chicks in those hot pant/knee-high boot getups use to jump over stuff…
Written by: Justin, source: iheartintelligence.com
had this with both exes. one denied he agreed to a divorce, then a day later said no as his mistress was not willing to take my place.apparently this never happened.
maybe everyone should read this article — the whole article
Been there, nearly sent me totally mad.
I feel like that would never work unless you had no idea it was going on or just weren’t that bright in general.
Intelligence has nothing to do with a person’s ability to undermine the beliefs of another person. Perpetrators are artists at this – con artists.
Yea, but if you know they are doing something intentionally for this purpose then how could it work? I feel like they’d have to be significantly smarter than you in order to successfully pull that off.
It’s an evil thing to be unleashed on someone, the thing that makes this so effective is that the people that use it are normally great actors at the start of a friendship/relationship so people let there guard down..Yes once you’ve have learn about you can pick up when it’s being used a lot easier..
No, I get that part. People attempt to feign friendship or love all the time to get what they want, but I mean it’s not terribly hard to distinguish when it’s real or fake. Genuine people tend to make things easy rather than making things difficult or producing excuses as to why they can’t hang out or treat you properly. I suppose someone that is unfamiliar with healthy relationships or had never had any (ignorance) could be pretty susceptible to this sort of a thing, but most of the population I don’t think this would work on.
You will never really know what this about until it happens to you. I live with it everyday. My wife does this to me. I finally figured out what was going on. There was a time early on that i wanted to end my life. When i figured out what was happening i was able to slowly learn to deal with it
A spouse is one the most intimate relationships that you can have with another person, so to have someone that would get that close to you in order to manipulate is bordering on socio or psychopathic tendencies in my opinion. What exactly does she do if I may ask?
if you are aware or not, someone trying to convince you that what you remember is not how it was is confusing and can happen to highly intelligent people.. i was subjected to this, before i knew about the narcissist character, just thought the abuser was mistaken and very puzzled as to why it was important that i fell in to the trap.
Exactly, Shawn McMichael! If it’s all you know, it’s what you end up with. Until you wise up and move on. Ah, but what could have been…
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or a child with a parent that can not handle that the child IS DIFFERENT from most people. been there done that ! 🙁
one may as well say the media ‘gaslights’ most of us, daily…
been there.
It works
It’s called trust. Trust given when it should not have been.
had this happen twice now by the same person only each time they have manipulated a scenario that occurred in the past to what they thought it was, which actually was nothing of the kind – the conversation would end abruptly before i got the chance to challenge the statement by the phone ringing /door knocking /someone else changing the subject or ooh i have to go see you later and they were gone – it still riles me now that i never got the chance to put them right but now i think how sad it is that people have to do this to make themselves feel better – carry on you nubs nuts we know who you are and you are gathering labels quickly lol
Absolutely, especially easy for people to gaslight a child. The child would not know the term.
The word we’re looking for is “innocent”. They prey on the innocent.
just walk away
Seemingly affable friends, neighbours and colleagues can be gaslighting narcissists, too. A long standing friend continuously kept winding me up, and I thought it was his stupidity. I don’t know if he even knew he was doing it, but he’s lucky I didn’t hit him. If someone baffles, or upsets you for no good reason, there’s a good chance they’re one of the many flavours of narcissist. Keep clear of all of them, if only for their personal safety, and your own clean criminal record.